Meanderings, Novellas and Poems

Impossible Ali Mobile

A Short Story
(names have been changed to protect the guilty).

Maybe what I know is kind of interesting you know? Fuck. Maybe it’s the kind of thing that some cunt would read and go fuck yeah that’s alright man. Like there’s something in it. Not like a bible or nothing but something in it. Fuck man I don’t know. I don’t wanna help cunts or nothing not that this shit is gonna help any cunt but I gotta write this man cause I can’t stop thinking about it and cause I’m feelin hectic heaps lately like when Jimmy’s brother took that trip and was hectic for fuckin weeks. What was his name? Anyway, Jimmy’s brother was at this bitch’s party last year he looked just like Jimmy but older and he took this pill and he was already on the piss and he fucked this chick and he pissed in a. Fuhahauck! What a clown but he was hectic for weeks after that. Not cause he pissed in a but there was rubbish in that pill like junk or something and he was just hectic for ages. I hate pills man. They’ve all got ajax in em. I fucked this lowie once and I was pissed and I tried to piss in a but I can’t piss with a hard on. I reckon you just aren’t supposed to anyway. What a goose. Those Fairfield clowns were always doing stupid shit you know. They had a sister but she wasn’t hot or nothing but she was nice enough. Older chicks used to like Jimmy for some reason but he was a dumb cunt. Fuckin loved him of course.

So many kinds of chicks you know. Fucking hell. When Ali came to the school he wanted to do two things, fuck all the lowies and find out which cunts he had to smash. He was always smiling which made everyone think he was a fucking retard or something but really he wasn’t smiling that was his face. Now that I think about it maybe he was smiling like he knew something about every other stupid cunt but would never say. Yeah. He knew he could smash your fucking head in. What a mad cunt! Fuckin loved that bloke. His brother was some bad cunt like real bad and so Ali felt like his bro was next to him even if the cunt was off getting his ass pounded at Longbay. You could never ask him about his bro. Fuck that shit.

Maths in a stinking hot demountable with this Gumby fucking Greek cunt teacher with a goofy face was when I first met Ali. The only seat was next to me at the back and this one seat at the front. Dennis was late. Dumb fuck asked him to sit up at the front but he looked around and went to the back. Real slow you know sussing everyone out but not really looking at anything. Goose face is like everyone we have a new student his name is and he looks at a piece of paper and goes alley. Half the class were Lebs they knew how to say Ali and this dumb fuck Gumby was like alley. And then Ali’s like I’ll take you down the alley in a minute. And then everyone knew what kind of guy he was.

Egg beater ignores Ali yeah for sure he heard what he said and turns to the black board with some chalk and writes up some shit that no one except some chick down the front gives a shit about and then there’s this ring.  This chick wants to read the news one day. Pretty weird. She’s alright. No one likes a but no one hates a. So this ringing goes again and Ali opens his bag and takes out a Nokia. What a funny cunt. I still reckon he set that phone call up because that stupid phone never rang for ages after that. That could have been the most organised thing he ever done. Fucking funny cunt! Gumby spins around and say alley please put that away. And Ali’s like sir it’s an important call. He almost sounds like he’s about to cry the funny cunt. Phones weren’t like smoking and teachers especially egg beater dumb fucks like this goose never knew how to handle some new shit so he like pauses and right there Ali knows he’s all over this guy and he is so he has this small chat and then hangs up. Ali’s all like sorry sir but that doesn’t mean nothing.

I hate sport. I hate pills. Pot’s alright. All the Aussies look stoned that morning and Ali starts a conversation with me. That teacher’s alright. Smiley motherfucker. He’s sussing me out for sure. And I’m like yeah he’s alright for a Gumby Greek cunt and then Ali knows what kind of guy I am.

He tells me all about Chezo High and why they kicked him out and how the Turks from Auburn are taking over and this one hot teacher nearly got raped and all the fights and shit. Heaps of stuff nearly happens all the time by the sounds. I didn’t say that. The principal’s a cunt. Vice principal is a bitch with balls. Same here. I take it heaps easy cause he’s gone a little too far and he knows it. I’m like we’re pretty chilled here man but yeah when shit goes down it’s fucked up.  And he’s like yeah man for sure. Do you know any of the Chezo boys?

Thing about it is everyone likes me. They do now anyways. Fuck in primary everyone hated me. Fuck that. I was a soft cunt and smart. I think about smashing some of those Greenacre cunts all the time but I’ve only had a couple of fights and it’s heaps more fun just thinking about it. Its pretty boring going around hitting cunts and some of them will probably kill ya you know. So yeah I stayed the same but got a little I don’t know, smart about stuff and now every cunt likes me. Chicks too mate ha! I figured out that’s how people become something, by getting people to like them and stuff. Some cunts you just hate off the bat. Some just need a slap you know. Gumby needs a slap for sure. Yeah I know some Chezo boys.

So we’re pretty solid and I take him over to the oval and I’m like hey this is Ali Mobile from Chezo. He looks at the chicks. Shakes a few hands. It could have gone a couple of ways but you know how just before I said I got smart and stuff well one of the things is that you have ta be a smart ass but think about what you say. You have to be a brave cunt too but not stoopid. Ali’s like Ali Mobile? Smiley cunt’s smile stuck in my brain. And he laughs and so I tell everyone about how Gumby letim have a nice chat on his phone and the boys laugh and the chicks just sit there. None of them have Gumby but they knew who I meant. They’re listening for sure but they don’t laugh. I can tell off the bat that Ali never hung with chicks but the Sefton chicks are awesome. Not lowies, not dumb bitches, maybe one or two silly bitches but they were good. None of the boys went for them and sometimes they went out with other guys but we were all mates. I went out with one or two maybe but that was cool whatever. Susan’s like are you Nass’s brother and Ali’s like yeah. He does everything kind of slow motion. Susan knew every cunt. She was alright.

All the boys were either Sefton boys or Chezo boys. Me and Dennis were the only two cunts from Bankstown and I reckon he wasn’t here half the time anyway. Sleepy headed Greek cunt. Some others too like Auburn or Fairfield boys and stuff but from different years and not really mates. The 73 went from up the corner around Sefton and up through Chezo. Walking to Chezo was faster than catchin it and you could have a smoke. Sometimes we walked and caught the other 73 from up top and sometimes we just caught it from the corner. Ali was a Chezo boy and he never went straight home anyway so we started walking up to Chezo after school heaps. The twins, Moose, Stav, sometimes Dennis. And then I was alone on the way home or with Danouse that’s Dennis’s Leb name. You can give anyone a Leb name. Usually just say it with an accent you know but other times like Danouse you change it. What a hole. I could never work out if uniforms were a good idea. Lowies took up their skirts so fucking high. Man. And then some chicks wore skivvies in winter and the boys just did whatever anyway. What a fucking hole. It wasn’t even my hole.

Nicknames are important but at the same time don’t matter shit. Ali Mobile stuck and he loved it and we loved and it started to get cold again and nothing changed and then some clown from fuck knows where opens up this hair salon in Chezo and all of a sudden there was this new hair salon. What a goose, what a fucking goose. Why the fuck would you open a hair salon in Chezo? There’s no money here I was thinking and then Ali’s all like we should go to that hair salon. I thought he was joking because he was smiling but he wasn’t and he was like fuck man have you seen the honies that work there? Serious? Yeah man fucking babes. So I was like sweet man whatever. We had soccer for weeks.

Just two days before we done a little Chinese bloke over for two packs of Winnie blues.  Kind of the first time I’d seen Ali in action if you know what I mean. I picked my fights and I picked my crimes. None of both usually but every cunt thought I was a tough cunt for some reason. Fuck knows why. I’m skinny, I come from Bankstown, got no badass brothers, maybe some killer cousins but these here boys didn’t even know those blokes. This one cousin always talks about trannies like he seriously wants to fuck a chick with a dick. That’s cool whatever. He’s a funny cunt. So anyways we go into this little fucking shop and ask for two packs of Winnie blues and then Ali’s like oh hey have you got any of those new Winnies? Slow like. This gooza is like a hundred and he turns around and looks at his rack of smokes and we fucking bolt! Laughing, tripping but mainly laughing and running. That’s probably why they all thought I was a tough cunt because I’d never chicken out. What for you know if it’s not that bad? I didn’t know shit.

We don’t bother making appointments or nothing we just rock up in our uniforms after school and sit there. This fag is like hi boys I’ll be with you in a minute. There was no there. No customers. The chicks were alright. Actually this one chick Rosetta was always on the bus even though she only lived like four blocks from school and she was a fucking babe. Untouchable mate. She was there doing her apprenticeship she said. The other two chicks were older and Ali sits with the short one and he’s all like sweet and stuff. They were super nice back but fuck man they were at work you know. They don’t wanna fuck some stupid kid. So Ali he’s full of one liners most of them stupid but all of them funny goes real interested like to the chick cutting his hair have you got some Lebanese in ya? She’s an Aussie chick you know but he’s staring at a smiling and she’s like what the fuck? Doesn’t say it just her face. He goes again have you got any Lebanese in ya? She gets it and smiles and says no and then he’s like you want some? She got fuckin antsy man and you could tell then she’d only just been putting up with him not even liking it a bit. Fucking boss man susses out something’s up and he’s like is everything okay Sam? This chick’s name is Sam and she doesn’t answer and this dumb ass is like is there a problem mate to Ali and Ali turns around and he’s not fucking smiling. I was like Fuck! I wished the boys were here. He’s just starin at this guy. This guy was at the till and to be honest it looked like he was doing something but I reckon he wasn’t doing shit. Then Ali is like listen buddy I’ll snap ya and snack on the pieces. He gets up and leaves and so I get up and leave. No one says shit cause everyone knows you better shut the fuck up now.

He wants to hang around and wait till this cunt leaves and slap him one. He was hectic. I didn’t care I had time. So we smoke and smoke and this goose is finally leaving his joint and Ali sits up real quick and starts walking over like crazy from the car park where we’re sitting and he’s going chicken or egg mate chicken or egg? This guys is totally like what the fuck in a kind of faggety way and Ali’s like quick mate chicken or egg and he’s heaps loud now and fag boy is like trying to wave im off or something and he smiles and goes chicken you happy and then Ali king hits this guy in the face and goes wrong you dumb fuck it’s egg.  I saw Ali do that two more times but the nickname Impossible Ali Mobile stuck right after the first time he done that. The salon closed two weeks after that and would you believe it Ali hooked up with that Sam chick like a year later. Fucking hell hey?

I never actually went inside Ali’s house. They were poor and rich at the same time. Heaps of these Lebs were poor and rich at the same time. Drugs, cars, heaps of people always going in and out at any time and cash man it was hectic. Nass had a car he never actually drove once. An LTD that was worth more than $150K mate that’s what they said. I saw it once. Fucking hell. He’d start it in the garage and even rev it and even put it in first and even spun out on the garage floor but never hit the street you know. What a fucking beast. When he was out he was out for days or just a couple of weeks. He never spoke to me once the cunt. There was some revenge that he had to handle and then he’d be gone again. He loved him mum and his dad and his dog. His dog was half Staf half Pit Bull all rage. She was sweet as to him you know but if she saw another dog she’d eat it. This one time we took a for a walk and this old lady had a little fluffy mutt and Princess run out of my hands and grabbed the mutt by the neck and Ali was yelling and grabbin a and then he starts kicking a in the ass up the ass in the head everything. The mutt starts shitting and pissing and then more shit and then it fucking dies. The lady was yelling police and all sorts and then she went quiet and then we took Princess home. Ali told Nass that he had the chain not me and Nass slapped him but not hard and then wanted to hear all about it and we laughed our heads off. Two days later cops came around with some other special animal cops and took Princess away. I wasn’t there but Ali was like it’s like she knew mate she fucking knew that was it. Nass broke his hand punching a wall and when he got locked up next he still had the cast on his hand.

End of year muck ups were madness around here. Maybe they get worse other places who knows but they were madness but peaceful you know. I don’t know but it’s funny like everyone in our year is kind of short and a little smart and everyone in the year younger are taller and fucking stupid. It’s like each year I don’t know people are the same. So yeah it’s like end of year nine muck ups and we all bring crap like eggs and shaving cream and flower and fuck knows what else and it’s all a bit of fun cause you can be a bad ass and still have fun. Egging teacher’s cars and egging the chicks is fucking ace.  Older kids sometimes missed out on the last week of school because I guess they don’t really care about what’s going on but Charlie had his car parked in the school his brother Jamal was in our year and he was fat and soft and everyone liked him but Charlie you couldn’t fuck with. I’ve seen his gun and he almost always had a knife or some shit he could kill cunts with.

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